I love that you share your journal with me each week. It is such a prividge to have that inside look at your heart. Every week I look forward to it so much and I cry and plead and cheer along with you. I love the detail and I feel spoiled to get around 22 pages each week of your journal to read and respond to. I print off each journal entry and read through it and send you a listed response like we are talking it out. I am not sure how helpful this si to you and I never want your journal to be filtered for me as your reader, but it is sweet to feel like I can be more specific in my prayers in your behalf, and somehow offer some words of encouragement specific to what you are experiencing.
Anwyay I thought I'd make a post of one of these journal responses :)
Journal response Pday 9-8-21
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1. However, it works out on pday with time to talk- we’re just grateful. I know easy for me to say because I have guaranteed time when kids are in school- but know that the kids are hoping to talk to you, but get it if they can’t because the timing doesn’t line up… and Dad is good with whatever… I always fill him in….some weeks will be better than other and we just need to ride the wave. I’ll work around whatever Bug’s timeframe is bc that’s important for you two.
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2. The hike analogy is a good one. Here’s another analogy—your mission is going to be like these journal entries I read—you’re just reading along and then boom, it’s over. And you’ll be sad. You’ll be happy too, but part of you will be sad…so keep staying in the moment and appreciating every page and stage.
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3. ONE WHOLE YEAR! I thought about it a l lot on Sept 9- but didn’t msg about it much because I really try not to count days, but it’s such a great mile marker to reach. I think Oct 19th will be a hard day for me—ONE WHOLE YEAR SINCE THAT EMMA HUG! It feels like we in the middle of something great- something hard- but something great!!! 365 days of being consecrated! Hurrah for Israel!!
4. I am glad your little piece of Italy right now has so much charm. ♥ For all the challenges, esp with no car, it’s fun that you have that piazza, and the streets and the cute buildings, impressive churches
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5. Everyone has their struggles with Italian= remember your stl said that—you know yours so don’t just wear it like a badge, work on it—be specific about being brave enough to speak more than you might naturally want to. That new sister from Ogden has her issues too—and that would be tiring to be her companion for sure—and odd she tried so hard to be all in Italian but maybe she’d made a goal to do everything in Italian and she wanted to keep that commitment to herself, who knows. You just do you, and keep getting braver and better!
6. That’s great you could catch 3 of 4 families at home on your venture to Crema… success!! I am sure they felt loved to be on the sorelle’s heart and mind.
7. Blessing is such a cool name and I have the neatest visual of this lady with her baby on her back in her tribal clothing- so glad you could make the connection!
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8. That sounds really rude with Vincenza (sp) and Demeure…. Like I am sure if you were zoned out you missed the conversation that you could have maybe understood the last part where she was asking you a question-but as you didn’t, it was unkind of both of them to giggle and call you out rather than show kindness and try to engage in a normal, gentler way. I’m really sorry that happened. I can’t imagine Demeure sets out to be unloyal, but maybe it’s more than a cultural barrier, maybe there’s just some immaturity on her part to not see how to bridge things better. I’m sorry. That made me feel bad for you. I could tell you held on to that hurt/anger and that’s only making things worse. When I think of the Savior’s suffering, I don’t always focus on the garden or the cruxificition, I think of the mocking, all the bashing, all the times he could have a silenced them all, but he didn’t—he didn’t even get huffy—he just was meek and focused on his purpose—such an amazing example of the higher road, but how to do it in such a humble way. I’m not saying you’ll get it right like that every time—but I do know that the Savior knows what it’s like to be diminished, mocked, underestimated, lonely, frustrated- and He alone can give you strength in those similar kinds of situations and reactions to them.
9. And yes, family rules have been a saving grace a billion times—so many nights I wanted to roll over and be angry- but I can’t and keep that rule…it compels you to be humble and it’s a little sad how often I need to be compelled, but it’s that rule that gets me there.
10. 7/10 times being shut down is frustrating- your companionship is interesting. She isn’t really your trainer, you are the senior comp, but not so much in Italy I guess… anyway- whatever it is, it is, but you should have equal validation in ideas, inspiration and especially in how you communicate with each other. She may need to take the lead with some of the teaching, but in your planning it isn’t HER show. You beginning in Italy and unsure is a very different thing that you even one transfer in-- One of the reasons I want you to “seem” like you are adjusting well is so that the MP and Sorella Browning, know you can handle a mix up in the next transfer and that you can step up to lead out as needed… I just don’t want them to not know how capable you are… and you are absolutely capable through your faith! That’s not to diminish your assignment or companionship this transfer- I just know how amazing you are and how much you have to offer—and I’d love for you to shine even more.
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11. I hope you talked about the bike situation. Not ok. You know how in Nampa, we used to see those companionships riding where one elder was waaayyy out ahead of the other? Dad would always say, “you can tell a lot about a companionship by how they ride their bikes together”…. For safety, for awareness, for kindness sakes, that needs to be different for you two. I am sure she was rushed and not very thoughtful, probably didn’t intend to just “take care of numero uno” getting on the train, but you need to remind her that there’s two of you and you need to look out for each other… I’m sure all the travel is very similar in France, so it doesn’t feel as disjointed to her… but you need to stay together. That’s missionary rules, regardless of how late you are or what country you are in. Plus I’m telling you, it looks bad when you aren’t together.
12. Yay for Evelyn, her cilantro and just a change of the vibe that day, you needed those things!
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13. It’s cool you had the faith to wing it a little and trust more that the words would come during your lesson with Evelyn. I’m glad you had a better trip back.. it does take two- and it’s good you can recognize when you aren’t helping the situation.
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14. “Don’t mess with me, I will take color coordinated formatted notes” 😊 Elder Bednar might not be a fan of notes, but I love that it helps you focus and study again and again. It’s good to think about what you can lean that he isn’t saying, and right that down too 😉
15. I loved the notes you did share—esp the focus on the one—and not getting burned out- great lesson
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16. I’m glad you recognize the things that nag at you about a general authority are not coming from a place of humility or from your Heavenly Father… I think it’s a great tactic of Satan’s to drive little seemingly insignificant wedges wherever he can. I think generally people make a fuss just like we would for company- you just want to show them your best, give them your best (water, or whatever) not because they think they are so special, but because you do and you respect their mantle…not the man.
17. I love that you felt the spirit from the opening song- it’s such a good way to usher that in. Must be so awesome to be a part of 93 missionaries singing—that’s so amazing- God’s literal army!
18. You did sit close to the Bednars… thank you for the diagram 😊 (no really, I liked knowing that detail)
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19. Loved all your notes, and talking about it with you last pday morning with Dad. It is special council and you can continue to readjust an attitude, or show an increase of charity to your companion, knowing that those are expressions of your agency/will and that they are gifts back to the Savior. I love how that was meaningful to you because of the reason you decided to serve a mission in the first place, to give back to your Savior.
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20. I loved that “OPEN YOUR MOUTH… that it may be filled” Even an expression of faith in that—taking the leap, making room for the miracle!!! Heed that advice and you’ll be so blessed
21. Ah- the light reference- i KNEW IT WAS COMING SOMEWHERE- YOU ARE THE CONDUIT, NOT THE LIGHT. ♥
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22. Well, you are a light too, for sure… I liked that story and that you found ties to your blessing- I know it’s true Emma- there is such a radiance and sweetness about you that those amazing brown deer eyes of yours communicate without you speaking—an ease in the way you relate to others, and notice them and make them feel important and heard and seen. You are a walking breathing extension of Christ’s great love and people feel it by the spirit. Trust that!
23. I can see how Elder Bednar is feisty and funny. He has an edge to him… I get that jist. But also what a wealth of experience to have learned so many things, and studied so much of the gospel, to serve with the brethren at that level of spiritual in tune-ness… pretty amazing.
24. I think Sister Cook mentioning Hawaii- IS a tender mercy—it’s Heavenly Father just whispering to you, ”I see you Sorella Miller. I know what this costs your heart to be here and I am grateful for your service in Hawaii and Italy.” Just hear Him saying that okay?
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25. That’s so funny about Sadie and all her teas… I was like, put those back in the box Bug, we don’t do herbal tea.. hahaha. It’s cute you have that Ecuador connection with her through Bug.
26. Interesting about Francisco and how a little information changes your perspective… I was super impressed you could figure that out so quickly and have the kindness and maturity to turn your perspective on him and the situation around with why he might have been after you before feeling frustrated, or jealous or inadequate with something- prob that mentality that if you make others around you feel small, you’ll feel bigger. Yikes.. I love that you could see that for what it was and be willing to help—that kind of act of good will (and forgiveness) isn’t just inspiring, but it’s so Christlike—that’s why it breaks down barriers- because the only motivation is love and charity. Pretty awesome… and that you could have the Italian words to translate what you’d shared after—there’s an “open your mouth and I’ll fill it moment” Such a beautiful experience and hopefully a confidence building one—in yourself and In the Lord to give you the ability to do what you needed to do in that moment. So special
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27. Oh Em. It’s okay you hurt thinking Sadie was missing Seth over you. I get it. I didn’t even talk to her yesterday (first day I haven’t) She did send a short text earlier, but our churches don’t line up and then we had jack over and she went to Kyra Bingham Thacker’s for dinner and when things settled down (around 9 for both of us) I knew she was in Seth mode and so I just texted her that I loved her and I’d catch up later since I knew she was talking to him and would be for the rest of the evening. BUT listen to me—she does miss you- that’s why she sent you a text first thing—she may not have spelled it out, but she does, and you are always in her thoughts and prayers, and trust me—Seth is big in her heart, but he can’t replace a sister (or a mama). You don’t’ squish someone out, your heart gets bigger—I know that’s a weird concept to you, but you’ll see when you have kids—you don’t portion out your love to add another one, you just get more capacity to love at that level—which is why a parent doesn’t have a favorite—you love them all exactly the same- some give you more of a run for your money, but your love is absolutely equal. It’s different with Bug having Seth, but I promise, YOU (and your sister bond) is irreplaceable- esp when it’s been so important and focal your whole life!
28. You may want to think about not rooming together for all the frustrating let down kind of reasons that you listed, or you might want to room with her to have one last boost of time (whatever it is) esp if it’s just a quick summer term. I guess you’ll have summer time though—Idk—she could really set you up apartment wise etc for that quick term- but I get it- not the ideal first college experience. Just know she didn’t’ plan it or go looking for it—her own first college semester is really different (and kind of lame- partially bc her heart isn’t’ in it and partially bc her roommates are so independent and checked out of any sort of group bond) Her room roommate just got engaged this week—she’ll have to tell you the details, but I don’t think she comes home till after midnight any night- lame. Not the same lame as feel like a third wheel though- if it’s your sister..so I don’t know—just be prayerful about it and keep your options open. It will work out. I have some of the same felings when he messages but then I think about how I’d feel if someone so important to Sadie didn’t reach out or make an effort, or didn’t want to be around us or engage, that’d be worse. So it’s an adjustment for everyone… but I promise there are special sister times in the future, near and far future. There’s so much about the next step of life that isn’t up to you, it’s much less predictable and controllable than high school and you have to just sort of jump in and navigate it. You’ll do fine with this , even though I’m sure it makes your stomach turn- it’ll be good. And for what it’s worth I’ll be your constant—well me and the Lord. You’ve got this!!
29. It might be good like you said to get that jump on school before every elder you know is there in the fall/ it won’t matter a ton bc BYU is so big you really could have a same class with someone and never see them bc you are in an auditorium of 500 people and you usually sit in the same general area you choose the first day, so you don’t mix it up a ton- but it’s an interesting thing to consider. I’m torn. I don’t want you to go so fast, but I also know that it got long for Sadie— you just have to do the next thing… it’ll come easier than you think—I know the whole dating/college/social scene is daunting—and you probably will need ot carry around a big stick to beat the boys back, (funny, not funny) but it’s all part of the experience. It’s been interesting with Bug not being a true freshman- like she isn’t having that carefree fun social freshman experience- as an RM, or maybe because of the housing she chose? I just think it’d be good for you to live in a place that had a better age mix, so it felt more “fun”. Maybe that first semester with her to figure it all out, get some sister time, and then you can figure out where you want to live next—and with who. Just because you’ll be an RM and can function with not knowing your roommate like as a missionary, you just figure it out, doesn’t mean you have to do it that way. And if you have a roommate you know, or get to know, or can enjoy, it makes everything in college more fun…and easier to just engage socially.
30. Anyway- try not to get too flustered about it now—it’s not your focus. It’ll work out. You’ll be blessed in that process just as you’ve been so blessed in this one as a missionary. You have blessings to claim and He’s ready to pour them out.
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31. Poor Natalie with the Wart story- I don’t even care how awesome the point of this is, that’s def not family loyalty! Ahh…
32. That’s cool that Elder Bednar brought it back around with a message that was instructive and sustaining to those with faith already. It’s neat you were open to the spirit impressing upon you how to more effectively teach the plan of salvation . Super cool you caught that insight. I’m sure not every missionary did.
33. I loved what you shared in your weekly email about a congregations of ones, and how you wrote more about that in your journal and acted upon his invitation to study out 3rd Nephi. ♥
34. Amazing to hear him speak of more temples to come—and cool that when that does happen, you’ll remember this moment as a missionary, hearing an apostle of the Lord prophecy about it. Yes, you’ll def have to be at a Milan Italy temple dedication, no matter what. If you are nursing and have little ones, I’ll come with you and stay in the hotel with them while you go for the dedication or for a session….. 😊
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35. So cool to end your mission with the Rome temple- excited for you to have that sacred culminating experience, to do a session in Italian. (also excited for pics of you on temple grounds)
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36. Graham would appreciate your clogged drain and gag reflex problem after. Gross. Id’ stick to the Italian version of Draino rather than tomato sauce- but prob not a bad idea since it is acidic, but not as much as a draino type product. Anyway gross. I hope it’s running clear now.
37. I’m cringing a little thinking of how her need to plan makes you crazy- because I’m kind of that way, need a plan, don’t like to just wing it- and maybe for me, some of it is that I feel like I need to make things smooth for the group, I’m not just operating on my own, but still, I might drive you crazy when you get back. I hope not.
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38. It’s cute you are looking out for Miles and what he’ll need to function. I have one of those super squishable down pillows left, Sadie kept hers for college, and you’ll keep yours, so I’ll give him this last one and get 3 more for the next round of missionaries. 😊 (A, G, L) It’s good you tell Miles that he’ll want it though bc he might not realize it on his way out…..
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39. I’m sorry you felt “off” a little with your lesson with Teresa—but just knowing what needed to be taught (POS) and being prepared and especially a SIMPLE testimony is perfect. People you teach don’t need a fancy testimony that makes whatever they’ve got developing feel inadequate—they need a simple and strong witness- the spirit communicates the most clearly through it. Even if you could say the same thing in quadruple the words and with all the flourish- the truth is simple and the spirit bears witness of truth! It isn’t a fail emma…. Your best is never a fail. Only Satan wants you to feel or less, or inadequate. You are EVERYTHING THE LORD NEEDS RIGHT NOW from you. That’s enough. That’s wonderful! Keep pushing out thoughts that make you feel defeated, they aren’t from a source that you want to listen to. Don’t let him win in your head of heart for even a minute—don’t give him that victory.
40. I’m sorry- how frustrating to know what you want to say and not being able to speak it freely. I think your expectation is so unbelievably high though- you have to give it time—it’s so much to learn- not just to spit back phrases, but to engage, comprehend, think through, respond—it’s a lot. Give yourself time… it’s coming!!! Day by day, it’s coming! I think that you’ll love it before you leave. Pray for that miracle and work to make it happen, just like you are. Be patient with yourself and don’t dictate a timeline to God, He knows how and when and He needs your listening and your focus right now, He’ll give you the words, HE’ll put the puzzle together, but maybe He needs you to just trust the spiti and Him enough to be in this place and still do His work, before it is given to you and you’ve missed an opportunity to long for it, to have that kind of reliance upon the spirit to find the words, if it came faster or easier, you’d miss that. And it’s too important to miss. You are doing just fine—at a perfect pace that the Lord sees and will continue to consecrate.
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41. Oh how I love that Sad heart. Just focus on today, keep trin got let go of 5 ½ months… be present and work on what’s in front of you today. Look for miracles and tender mercies there. 51/2 months will take care of itself and worrying about how you’ll get there doesn’t speed it up, it just distracts you.
42. Hawaii doesn’t need you back. That’s why you are where you are. Hawaii needed you for every day you were there. And all of those collective experiences prepared you for this, where you are needed now in Italy. You have a great and specific work where you are….
43. I think the missing the strength and bond you felt with the HHM missionaries was real and surely a great support. What a blessing to have had that fortification. And of course you miss it, but you also have learned to rely on the Lord and He can and will fill in the gaps, and help your focus emphasize the things that matter most as a missionary and to a missionary.
44. You are allowed to feel alone, while knowing that you are not alone. You did bring your ohana with you—it’s in your heart… Hawaii, Us, we’re all there. Don’t forget that. And remember, the Lord can talk back. His spirit will bring all kinds of thoughts to your mind and comfort you so individually that you know He is speaking just to you. Call out those miracles. Ask to better recognize His voice. He will not deny you those blessings when your faith matches your request.
45. You are going to be such an amazing missionary mom. I read your frustrations and I think wow, just what amazing, challenging, important things is He preparing her for (beyond this). It’s something big. I just know it- He sees your perseverance and he is cultivating a powerhouse in you- a powerhouse of faith and experience, and with that He can move mountains… and that’s a life long blessing—not just in your missionary work, but in everything you do going forward. The Lord doesn’t just need you to baptize or invite, He needs you to grow and fortify your own faith, your own commitment, your own willingness to persevere—because what He needs from you extends so much beyond this time as a missionary. He needs you to thrive in His word, and His gospel. He needs you to be solid and steady going forward. He is preparing someone to match your faith and your priority of putting the Lord first so that together you can do a great work within the family you will create. He needs you to be a power-mama…and raise up an army of your own missionaries who will rise up and lead. He needs you as a sister, to be a powerful influence on your siblings now and going forward.
46. REMEMBER, This time in your life Em, you know you are qualifying to stand next to the Esters, the Josephs, the Daniels, even the Sadies --servants of God who didn’t give up. And yet each of us is known to God, our strengths our gifts, even our weaknesses- He knows us individually and loves us perfectly . He takes it all and magnifies it. Your willingness to persevere is a great sifter. And yes, your 61 cents, is all He needs. ( I loved reading how that experience Elder Bednar shared was so impactful to you and that you chose to share it relation to our covenants and pulling together in pensiero spirituale
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47. I am sure after Arutro’s message Demeure was as frustrated as you were, albeit for different reasons. She needs your love at those times and reassurance just like you need it from her when things don’t feel like they are going well on your end. Not every contact or lesson will be a homerun…but trust God Emma, he can work with it. Just because Demeure has Italian down, doesn’t mean she’s going to read every situation right or plan it perfectly- I think it was good you let her share that weird video- because she needed to learn a lesson about seeing past her own spiritual reaction to something and letting the spirt dictate more clearly what to share. She probably beat herself up about that..but it’s okay. Remember to show love and kindness and reassurance to her too, she needs it- even though she might not ask for it, seem like it, she needs it. She is still learning how to be the most effective missionary she can and she’s learning, maybe by trial and error, that her own comfort zone or mode of operating isn’t always the best, it will help her open up—so just be gentle—you can help a lot in this way, by reassuring her that you can regroup. Maybe she won’t even act as though there needs to be a regrouping- but you’ve had a lot of experience (and more than her) with all kind of lessons and all kinds of reactions to them- it’s okay to mix it up, be wrong, try again, and approach it differently next time.
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48. Your activity with the youth and the cakes looked fun in the pictures. Just keep reminding yourself the point is in the gathering and the uplift, not so much about the success of the actual activity itself. So in that regard it’s a huge win—they had fun, it was uplifting and they were gathered together. Yay!
49. I’m glad you can call yourself out on not being exactly obedient… and even more than that the reason why (a little passive defiance) that’s the first step in overcoming, and becoming better. Not because you should- but because you want to ! Wear your helmet!! Messy hair is a small price to pay for something that is such an outward expression of your willingness to follow the rules given you. The thing is, a missionary that doesn’t wear a helmet, probably eventually justifies other things—and maybe not huge things, but little chips in the armor, not because of the helmet but because there is a slight shift in your head and heart and Satan comes thundering up cheering, looking for other cracks he can slither into to lessen your ability to feel the spirit
50. It’s wonderful to recognize that and on your own (without having to be compelled) work on the little things. I love you Emma. I admire you so so much!
Well sweet Emma—here you are another week in (not not just a nother week closer) and I bet if you sat down with a one minute timer you could come up with a list of little blessings that have happened this week. I hope so. Keep looking for them, they are everywhere.
We are so proud of you. On Sunday we walked the hall toward the chapel and our ward has lame bulletin boards (like those ward glass cases in the hall). No background paper, no border, no cute title banner, nothing. Other wards have them all decked out pinterest proud, but our ward’s board is blank- (not that important, but kind of an obviously odd difference in comparison) - ANYWAY, our ward’s case is no longer empty—there’s still not a background or a border or banner, but now there is ONE plaque hanging in there—just one- & that’s the only thing that makes it special and it’s YOUR MISSIONARY PLAQUE! When we walked by my heart leapt to see you there—and Miles goes (kind of loud for the church hall but no one was in it bc it was 15 minute before church and really not many are there early- its’ a roll in 5 min late kind of ward- but as we walked by and all saw you and gushed a little, Miles says, “REPRESENT! Millers REPRESENT” and he was proud of you, we all were—there you are doing this amazing and hard thing and it’s impactful in every area you’ve served, but especially in our home and in our hearts. I know you don’t see that blessing like we do on this side of things, but please know it’s felt. We are so grateful for you. I know the Lord has blessed our family so much because of it and I know He is blessing you. You are destined for great things… not just in the future, but right now as His sorella. Keep after it.
Love you with all my heart.
Mama
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